My ex is dating my friend what should i do

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9 signs you probably shouldn't date your friend's ex

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He's been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he's here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several. I'm in a pickle. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been hanging out with a close friend's ex-girlfriend, platonically, after we ran into each other at Starbucks.

We have a real connection. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm kind of obsessed. And I think she wants to take it to the next level, too. The problem is, my friend had a deep relationship with this girl, and I think he's still kind of in love with her. So what do I do here? Can I get away with dating my friend's ex? Will he be able to handle this? This is a tough one, because dating a friend's ex is one of the most essential dating taboos.

Which is that people never really get over significant romantic relationships. Not really. I don't mean that you can never be happy again after breaking up with someone. Of course you can. But it's largely a matter of compartmentalizing. You get a new and even prettier girlfriend, or hang out with your friends more, or get into jiu jitsu or knitting. You get a new life so you don't spend all your time sitting around and crying about your old one like the baby you are.

Sure, people will talk about their old relationships and say that they're "over it" or that it "wasn't meant to be," or pepper you with other related nonsense phrases, but what they mean is they're not thinking about it right now. All of those old wounds stick around, just waiting to be re-opened. You're always going to feel weird when you see your ex, at least a little bit. If you're still friends with your ex , it wasn't that serious, or it's still serious. And, if you date your friends' ex, you're telling your friend that your romantic feelings are more important than their happiness.

Because they're going to see you holding hands with their ex, and remember how nice that felt, and if you think they won't envision you having sex together, you're being naive. Of course, that's going to hurt. Inherently, it's a selfish thing. You're saying, "screw you and your silly emotions, I've got to get laid. Does this mean you should never, ever date a friend's ex? Well, actually, no. It means that it's a bad idea, but that's not the same as "never do it. It's possible that you've got an uncommon romance on your hands.

Maybe this is your future wife, or muse, or whatever it is that you're looking for. If this is the case, you'd be missing out on years of potential passion if you passed up on this girl for the sake of sparing your friends' feelings. Like I said, this is a tough one. You've got a hell of a decision to make. Accordingly, you should treat this like any other important decision, which is to say that you should get as much information as possible.

First, be real with yourself. Is this girl really special to you? Is there actually an uncommon reaction between you — some sort of deep compatibility that's worth alienating your friend for? Or is she just an attractive person who finds you attractive, too? Those two things are so, so easily confused. Approach these questions with the maximum possible skepticism about yourself.

If you feel fluttery every time you talk to a pretty girl, keep that in mind. If you're currently lonely and you really need to get laid, consider that maybe you're just desperate. And dwell on the fact that some of your excitement might just come from the taboo nature of this potential relationship, because, like everyone else, you want what's off-limits.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet that your crush on this girl is just like any other crush. It's a fun illusion, which, if pursued, might reveal a great relationship, or might not. Odds are, that's what this is, in which case you should probably just sigh, move on, and hit up your online dating site of choice, where you can find lots of other crush-worthy women. I found out about this the hard way, in a similar situation.

Tom, one of my childhood friends, was always kind of bummed out, until he met Josie, a fast-talking, high-energy woman who brought him out of his shell. They had a sparkling relationship — they were one of those couples that just radiated warm, gooey, nauseating passion — and I was super envious of it. Also, obviously, Josie was an outrageously foxy person: There was only one weird thing about her, which is that I would occasionally catch her looking at me a little funny. I suspected that she had a low-key crush on me.

About a year after she dumped Tom abruptly, leaving him a sniveling wreck, I discovered that I was correct. We ran into each other at a party. Flirting with each other was easy, taking each other's clothes off was easy, and it felt like fate — like absolute magic — and it kept feeling like absolute magic for about a month, at which point I discovered that she was kind of boring, or at least that we bored each other. In the end, I got about five dates out of it, in exchange for an irreparably ruined friendship.

Tom found out, and he never forgave me. Now, if you're sure that this is not you, that this is Real Love you're looking at, then what you have to do is tell your friend what's up. Tell your friend about your intentions, and ask him if there's any way you can make the process easier for him. This conversation will not go well. Because, again, you're declaring to an old friend that you're prepared to disregard his feelings. That's the truth of the situation.

There's no two ways about it. It's going to hurt even if you say all the nice things you should say — that you're still going to be his friend, that you're going to try not to Instagram this girl obsessively, etc. Ultimately, dating a friend's ex is inadvisable. You know that. But sometimes, you have to do inadvisable things for love. Think you could use some dating help, too?

A friend who loves you would not put you in this damn awkward situation, especially if she knows all your secrets and how you feel about the. It's even worse when your ex and a current friend decide to date. An honest conversation will make you feel better and give them a better.

I split up with my ex a year ago and quickly started dating. I met someone nice, but within weeks I discovered that my ex and my best friend had started a relationship. When I found out, I felt a rage I had never experienced. I feel betrayed:

Sometimes when you develop feelings they happen to be for your friend's ex.

It all comes down to how your friend feels about it. You were a good friend and kept your feelings to yourself for long enough.

A good friend is dating my ex, and running into them is inevitable. What can I do?

Forgot my password. I dated "Jeff" for four years. I still think of him often as the one who got away. Anchorage is small, and sometimes I run into him, and it's just the worst. I'm definitely not ready to have him in my life, or anywhere near over the pain of our breakup.

My Ex is Dating My Friend! How to Handle it and How to Keep From Going Insane

Whether or not you believe your situation is an exception, you should always talk to your friend before making any crucial decisions. Unless you value your relationship with a guy more than your friendship, respect that your friend may not be thrilled you want to start dating her ex. On the other hand, it may matter to your friend or even yourself, so tread carefully if that's the path you're choosing to take. Better yet, if she's in another relationship and is seriously in love, it's doubtful she'll care too much if you want to date her ex. If this is the case, and your friend is still concerned, it's best to stay away from the ex. Her hesitation is for a good reason. If you and your friend don't regularly talk face-to-face, your dating habits may not get in the way of this friendship. Of course, there are exceptions to every guideline, but a purely online friendship shouldn't hold the same precedence as an in-person one. If you're looking for a hookup, your friend's ex is not the right place to look. He may be six feet of pure eye candy, but diving into the messy relationship of a casual hookup isn't a good idea for you, him, or your friend.

Breakups can be tough.

And really, what do I care? Well, yes, the truth is that I have no right to be hurting, but what does the truth have to do with anything?

My Best Friend Is Dating My EX Now, And This Is How It Feels

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules. What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista. Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication.

When Is It OK To Date My Friend's Ex?

There are a few different things that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily psychotic, one of those being when I figured out "my ex is dating my friend! I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. Here was a woman who I thought was my good girlfriend. We had gotten together a few times and I had told her things -- personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. I shared things with her and trusted her. Weeks later, I saw my ex leaving her house. It was like a stab in the heart.

7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex

In the passenger seat was my high school boyfriend. We had become infatuated with one another senior year, and we were now facing the inevitable relational shift: Our chosen colleges were three hours apart and neither one of us had a car or money. I was devastated, but a few weeks had passed and we were still in semi-regular contact. I would sign onto iChat everyday, and we spoke as if nothing really had changed.

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules. What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life.

By using our site, you acknowledge that you have read and understand our Cookie Policy , Privacy Policy , and our Terms of Service. Jane and I belonged to the same group of friends since childhood. In this group, we all used to hang out, go camping, all kinds of stuff. Despite all of us eventually growing older and parting ways, most of us stayed friends and would hang out regularly on holidays, still go camping in summer and so on. Jane and I started dating when I was 16 and she was We dated for 7 years, last 2 years living together. During the time we were living together, we would often hang out with Mike, another friend from the childhood friend group.

My best friend is now dating my ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, it's weird. So in your opinion, what are the rules about dating exes? Does Gretchen Weiners have a point about the rules of feminism? I don't think those are the rules of feminism so much as the rules of human decency. I am so sorry your best friend is dating your ex.

Only Date Your Friend's Ex If You're Prepared For This
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