Dating someone your friend dated
I know. It can be uncomfortable. You see, Mike and I were good friends and shared the same friend group before we started dating. In those first weeks and even months of dating, we had to learn how to interact as a couple, while still belonging to our same friend group. Here are a few things I learned — tips that will help you avoid friend group awkwardness, while also not being afraid to show affection toward your partner.
7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex
Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules. What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight.
This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight.
Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista. Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined.
I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines.
Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush. I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.
Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear.
However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don't pressure her.
But don't assume she doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it.
Set aside time for each of them and honor it — don't drag your lover along on girls' night out not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about this , and don't invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home. No comparisons. Don't do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is, it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy.
So don't seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you're not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in competition, except when you're actually playing Scrabble. Don't be paranoid. Don't try to keep your boyfriend and your bud from associating because you're afraid they still have feelings for each other, and don't constantly seek reassurance that that's not the case. Trust that your dude is with you because he likes you and you're awesome, not because he's biding his time until your friend takes him back.
Trust that your friend is happy you've found someone you dig, not plotting to sabotage your love. And don't ever use jealousy or insecurity over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a legitimate reason to believe he's untrustworthy, get out of there stat, but if there's really nothing wrong, don't create problems where none exist.
Don't pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that urge. Likewise, don't grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time they dated. Their relationship is between them; it's not your cautionary tale or your soap opera.
If they choose to share details with you, that's fine — you don't need to stick your fingers in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made see No. Your relationship and theirs are separate things, and you don't need to know anything they don't care to tell you. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits. It's easier, of course, to have hard-line rules — "exes are never OK" versus "exes are totally fine" — but that's not the world we live in.
If someone seriously mistreated your friend we're talking emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing, etc. This has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation, and everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you're telling your friend you don't think what he did to her was all that bad. Just walk away.
There are lots of people out there who are just as good in bed and haven't traumatized anyone you care about. Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends are people who don't get to see you naked, and your life will be the better because of it. Follow Lindsay on Twitter. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Getty Images Getty Images.
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"Dating a friend's ex can be tricky," life coach Nina Rubin tells Elite Daily. "Think about how long they dated and the seriousness of their. Wait - Is It Ever Acceptable To Date Your Friend's Ex? I don't mean that you can never be happy again after breaking up with someone.
Back in my hometown, I lived in a small arts and activism community, and everyone dated everyone. It was a cesspool of friends and lovers mixing. I distinctly remember talking to a new friend and finding out we had dated not one, not two, but three of the same guys. This made it difficult for me to even go on dates without thinking about all of the partners the other person might have had — people I probably knew and would inevitably compare myself to.
Sometimes when you develop feelings they happen to be for your friend's ex.
By Tracey Cox for MailOnline. Celebrities are always at it.
Tips for Dating Someone From Your Friend Group
Yes, you may as many people tend to get completely wrapped up in your own feelings and give the middle finger to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, but if one of your besties decided to start humping your ex, would you be supportive or forgiving? Thirdly, yet without intending to come across as territorial in a caveman-defecating-on-his-patch-of-land sort of way, that person was with you and was part of your life. They were someone who significantly contributed to shaping the person you are today. Anyone familiar with Friends will be fully aware of how often they swapped and shared partners. Not only is that his best friend, but he massively betrayed him.
Dating Your Friend's Ex
Picture this: Then, all of a sudden, it happens. Your BFF starts dating that person that you had already expressed interest in. What gives? It can easily leave you feeling hurt, confused, betrayed, and angry all at once — and understandably so. Not only are you dealing with the fact that someone else is dating the person you like, but that someone is your best friend. Teen Vogue teamed up with licensed counselor Lauren Hasha to bring you some tips for coping with this very scenario. Ahead, find out how you can deal with this type of situation and move forward to mend what might be a broken heart. When people are overwhelmed with feelings like anger, hurt, or jealousy, it can be tempting to lash out.
It all comes down to how your friend feels about it. You were a good friend and kept your feelings to yourself for long enough.
Which is, of course, the people you already know. They likely know the restaurants you like and some of your Game of Thrones fan theories — they also probably know all the gory details about you and your ex. There are pros and cons to all of these scenarios.
What’s It’s Like When You And Your Friends Have Dated The Same Person
The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He's been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he's here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several. I'm in a pickle. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been hanging out with a close friend's ex-girlfriend, platonically, after we ran into each other at Starbucks. We have a real connection. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm kind of obsessed. And I think she wants to take it to the next level, too. The problem is, my friend had a deep relationship with this girl, and I think he's still kind of in love with her. So what do I do here? Can I get away with dating my friend's ex?
It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why
5 Benefits Of Dating Someone Your Friend Has Dated
New merch: Ethics involved in dating people your friend has dated casually? October 13, 5: This is purely hypothetical, I promise. But I'm genuinely curious. Let's say you and your friend are interested in the same gender and same type of person. Both of you are in a pretty small dating pool.
What to Do If Your Best Friend Starts Dating Your Crush
As the Kindergarten saying goes, "sharing is caring," which might be why dating a friend's ex can be surprisingly beneficial. Although this scenario is more common for non-monogamous folks , that doesn't mean it can't work for classic one-on-one monogamists either. Recently, a high profile example of partner swapping made headlines when actresses Kate Beckinsale and Sarah Silverman discussed maintaining their friendship despite the fact that Silverman is in a relationship with Beckinsale's ex. While it's normal and healthy for jealousy to arise in any arrangement, the pair seemed to embrace the sharing and move past whatever weirdness that might have been. This all sounded pretty sweet and legit to me, particularly as someone who has dated a friend's ex. No, I didn't plan it that way, but it makes sense that since you're drawn to certain people, you might also be attracted to the people they're drawn to as well.
9 signs you probably shouldn't date your friend's ex
By Tracey Cox for MailOnline. Celebrities are always at it. Tracey says: Dating them secretly will make the whole thing even worse, so you absolutely must be upfront. We all feel ownership over our exes, especially if the relationship was serious.
Having a friend date your crush can be a difficult social situation to navigate. With your feelings, as well as those of your friend and your crush on the line, it can be extremely difficult to be sure what the right course of action is to take. Crush Heartbreak. Learn more. There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.letting my best friend date my girlfriend for a day...