Dating a married man whose wife is dying
Dear Abby: I am a twice-divorced woman who has never been good at choosing the men in her life. Two years ago, I met a man who is 12 years my senior. He is sweet, thoughtful and caring, and would do just about anything for me.
Dating a married man whose wife is dying
What can he do when she loses a breast to the disease, when her once beautiful face is ravaged by the effects of chemotherapy, when her long blonde hair falls out in clumps in her hand? How can he make her feel womanly again when the disease has struck at the very core of her femininity? Ray Kluun was placed in this heartbreaking situation when his wife, Judith, developed breast cancer at the age of So what did he do?
He sought sex with as many women as possible, empty one-night stands with women he met in bars. His sole purpose was to find a woman who would go to bed with him. He would arrive home in the early hours, long after the bars had closed, alibi at the ready for his sick wife, whose anguish was all too visible in her eyes. By the time his wife was told, a year later, that she was going to die, he had found a mistress named Nathalie whom he admits he began to fall in love with.
He says he felt terrible about it, but couldn't stop himself. Every Friday was the same, I went out with my friends looking for a woman. I had a double life. Could there be a more shameful betrayal? Ray attempts to give his callous actions a sheen of respectability by examining the subconscious motives - as though there was anything more than a desire for meaningless sex.
He believes he was seeking to withdraw from his wife because he could not bear the thought of her dying. Perhaps it is true his instinct for self-preservation kicked in when he was confronted with the dark reality his partner was terminally ill. Who other than those who have been in this position can have any idea of the unrelenting horror and anguish? Who can doubt that the partner of someone who is dying before their eyes must be desperate for normality in their lives?
But can that ever be an excuse for serial adultery? Is it possible Ray just liked having sex with lots of different women, and wasn't going to allow his wife's cancer to stand in his way? It is a compelling moral question which might have remained a secret - had Ray not decided to write a book, in the guise of a novel, which lays bare his actions leading up to his wife's death in at the age of 36, when their daughter, Eva, was just three. The book contains vivid accounts of his sexual adventures, which some might find more than distasteful under the circumstances.
It is, of course, hugely controversial, and has sold more than half a million copies in his native Holland. Now stirring up impassioned debate about sex, fidelity and male attitudes to love, it has just been released in paperback in Britain under the provocative title Love Life. Opinions of Ray tend to fall into two categories. Some very charitable minds might regard him as an honest realist, but most will see him as a piercingly cruel, selfish adulterer.
At least one reader suggested in an e-mail to him that it should have been him who died, instead of Judith. Ray excuses his behaviour by saying that in such a situation, people fall back on their weaknesses. It's a way of escaping from your situation. My inability to be faithful has always been my weakness, so I turned to that.
Whatever one thinks of what he has done, there is no denying this was his tragedy, too. Before cancer intruded, they had perfect lives. Ray ran his marketing agency; Judith ran a recruitment consultancy. They met and fell in love in , married in and settled in their home city of Amsterdam. For four years they were happy enough, until on a sunny day in April , days before their daughter Eva's first birthday, when Judith and Ray were given the news that Judith had breast cancer.
Ray says: We were part of the set of metropolitan thirtysomethings whom I call hip, healthy and wealthy. Life was about holidays, clothes, restaurants and having fun. The prognosis was bleak from the start. We were told the cancer had most likely gone immediately into the blood cells and that there was only a 40 per cent chance of Judith surviving the next five years. When you get to 60 or 70 you have become used to your body losing its beauty gradually for several decades. This was not the case for Judith.
She went in just a few months from being a beautiful, young woman to a cancer patient. The cancer was not yet causing pain, but the affects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy were drastic. Judith lost her hair; her skin appeared sunburnt. She was vomiting frequently and lost weight. Six months after being diagnosed, one of her breasts was removed. A woman's breasts are the visual part of her femininity and sexuality.
One of his justifications was that Judith had lost interest in sex. I'd spend time in bars where casual sex was part of the nightlife. I was trying to escape the cancer at home. I liked the superficiality of these bars - you didn't tell people your problems. I don't remember. I was hooked on the process, not the people. It made me feel like a man. I couldn't tell you how many there were because they were history the minute I dressed and left.
Could it be that with his wife too ill to feed his ego sexually, Ray couldn't resists turning to other women for a cheap thrill? But I definitely didn't want Judith to find out, because I knew how much it would hurt her. Perhaps these liaisons might have petered out, but in February , Ray met a woman who was to change everything.
Ray met Nathalie, then a year-old marketing manager, through his work. I wanted to phone her all the time and would find excuses to go out to see her, then worry about Judith finding out. I didn't talk about Judith with the others, but I discussed the situation with Nathalie. At home, for Judith, of course, there was no escape - she had to face the unremitting horror of her condition. She would spend days in bed, desperately ill after intensive chemotherapy.
She would cry and be emotional. She needed the unconditional support of her husband, not one who cheated on her when she was at her most vulnerable, but Ray selfishly complains he became like a nurse. It was a very emotional, intense time and I simply had to escape from it. After spending time with Nathalie I felt invigorated. I was more able to face up to what was happening at home.
A couple of my friends knew about Nathalie. They didn't approve, but they could see she gave me stability and that it was better than going to bars having one-night stands. Two months after meeting Nathalie, Judith and Ray were told that the cancer had spread to Judith's liver and that there was no longer any hope. She was going to die. One of the worst things before was not knowing what the future held. Now she knew she was going to die and she could prepare for it. She began to accept that she was going to die.
For me it was just awful, awful news. They went to see a child psychologist to discuss how her mother's death would impact on their daughter, Eva. Ray realised it must be becoming increasingly obvious to his wife that something was going on. He was coming and going from the house at odd times, going out for the evening and turning up in the early hours. He was starting to have doubts about whether he loved her any more, or whether he simply pitied her.
But in the end it was Judith who offered him a way out, if he wanted it. She said they couldn't go on like this and asked Ray if he wanted a divorce. She didn't want to spend the little time she had left with someone who didn't want to be with her. I told her about the one-night stands, although not about Nathalie because I felt that would just be too painful.
But when it sank in it really began to hurt. She would say: On the one hand I was her best friend, someone who took care of her, but on the other I was a terrible, terrible husband. How unbearable it must have been for her to watch her husband walk out of the door, knowing he was seeking liaisons with other women - because she had cancer. For a few weeks Ray did not see Nathalie, but his resolve weakened and they were soon together again. Judith's health was deteriorating and by the beginning of May , she was too weak to get out of bed.
We fell in love all over again. I didn't see Nathalie during this period, but I texted her frequently to let her know what was going on. She wasn't worrying about her career, or clothes, or other trivial things - nothing mattered, she had no ego. It was emotional for me, but I was holding it in, keeping it together. Ray told Nathalie he was not ready for a relationship and was taking his daughter to Australia for a couple of months, to grieve properly.
But the seperation didn't last, and Ray and Nathalie married in He says he has not promised her fidelity. Though his conduct has brought opprobrium from many quarters, it has certainly made him rich, thanks to huge sales as people clamoured to read his brutally honest account. And he also claims Judith's family are fully supportive of him and the book.
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Dating a married man who says he's leaving his wife
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Woman feels as if she's waiting for married man's sick wife to die
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What can he do when she loses a breast to the disease, when her once beautiful face is ravaged by the effects of chemotherapy, when her long blonde hair falls out in clumps in her hand? How can he make her feel womanly again when the disease has struck at the very core of her femininity?
My wife as advance cancer. Probably 2 years to live. I cannot walk out on a dying person. I did have a short affair 6 months ago and we stopped it because we care too much about each other to base it off of lies.
Confessions Of People Who Cheated On Their Terminally-Ill Spouses
Chat or rant, adult content, spam, insulting other members, show more. Harm to minors, violence or threats, harassment or privacy invasion, impersonation or misrepresentation, fraud or phishing, show more. Yahoo Answers. What do you think of woman dating a man whose spouse is dying of Alzheimers? My mother was dying of alzheimers and my father started a relationship with a woman 12 years younger than him. In the beggining when i found out about this relationship i sent the woman my dad was dating a email saying not to disturb my family in this crisis and to stop seeing my dad. That provoke a email from my dad saying if this email cause his relationship to breakup he wanted nothing to do with me. I was upset because i help take of my mother while she was home and would leave work to get home to let nurse leave so my dad would not have to rush home he worked farther away than i did but i did have to return to work and some days my dad would not get home till late. This was prior to me knowing about the relationship. I just want to know if you think i was irrational about this.
Dying Woman Discovers 'Supportive' Husband Is Having an Affair
Imagine you are dying. I know, not a pleasant thing to imagine, but imagine you've got a terminal disease and have about six months to live. However, your husband has been a godsend during this time -- supportive, caring, wonderful. You don't know what you'd do without him. Then one night isn't that always the way? You read it and realize he's having an affair.
Dating a man whose wife is dying
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Dating a man whose wife is dying
Chat or rant, adult content, spam, insulting other members, show more. Harm to minors, violence or threats, harassment or privacy invasion, impersonation or misrepresentation, fraud or phishing, show more. Yahoo Answers. What do you think of woman dating a man whose spouse is dying of Alzheimers? My mother was dying of alzheimers and my father started a relationship with a woman 12 years younger than him.
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